I take pictures like these

…because I don’t want you to see the pounds of fat that puff out around my neck.  Nor do I want you do see my big boobs, the ones that hang like full beetle catcher bags.  Or my stomach that bulges out from edge to edge.

So you see this over and over – half of my face, the good half.  I told my mother I had a perfect nose when I was ten. That’s a story I’m sticking with.

At counseling tonight, we talked about many things. One of the goals I have is to not eat after dinner.  I know for some of you, that is a weird sentence.  Isn’t dinner the last meal?  Who eats after dinner?  I do, every single night.

I’ve been charged with doing something else instead of coating my loneliness and feelings with food.  I am listening to music, Passenger (my favorite artist), and writing.  It will take two loves to counterbalance my ardent affection for food.

I am so thankful for D, who will guide me through the next phase of my life.  I am so thankful for her direct compassion.  She said, “Together we will figure out how to make you as responsible to your own wellness as you are to school, or church, or your house.”

I am thankful for Les, who years ago said that we keep giving ourselves chances to solve the biggest challenges in our lives.  That’s what I am faced with now: another chance to solve this challenge.

I cried.  God, I cried, tonight about so many things. What I have lost, what I may lose, how I feel about myself, what I long to experience.

When D asked me what I did, years ago, to injure myself (which resulted in a massive weight loss), I told her about when I broke my arm and could not work for 5 months, could not drive for 5 months, did not have working nerves for 8 months.  So many of you helped then – Lorene, Melanie, Sherry, Sheri, Dawn.  I am still thankful to this day.

I cried thinking about how my exploded bones found their way back to each other.  I cried thinking about how every night, when we lay down our bodies, white blood cells are zooming to their targets – healing, healing, healing – a mantra they never abandon.

I think bodies long to be healthy. Spirits long to be whole. Becoming healthy will not be hard if I keep remembering that my body is here to serve me.  My body is aching to move through the world with grace.

There are hurricanes and mud slides, fires raging all over the west.  There are refugees seeking sanctuary. There are far bigger things for me to weigh in on than my weight.  But, to me, right now, I’m in a natural disaster and I need to muster my own Red Cross, I need to cast out my own life boat. I may do some of that here – working it out own the page.  Thanks for permitting my indulgence.

Onward. Be brave.

 

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2 thoughts on “I take pictures like these”

  1. Dear Jean,
    It is heart rending to hear of your sadness. How good that your life boat is writing. Know that your many friends, like me, who have cherished your companioning, love you warmly.
    I know you are courageous.
    “This is the day that the Lord has made” there must be some good in it.
    Grace

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